Saturday, December 31, 2011

I live on memories

A new year is coming in anytime soon . Today is 2011, tomorrow will be 2012 . But I haven't ready yet to leave my 2011 for some reasons . This is the reason why I post an entry this time . Yes, I want to speak now . May I ?

Everyone knows about the end of my relationship . Well, I'm not ashamed to admit it , yes it is now ended . Officially . For some private reasons , it finally ends . He asked me, " Why should you tell me and the whole world about this? " And this was what I replied him .

" Because they pray for us . They want us to be together, they wish we can stay longer, they hope we can live forever . And now, they have rights to know that their wishes and prayers are not fulfilled"

It hurts when your dad asks you, "Hey, it's holiday . You guys don't go out together?" It is painful when your mum says, "You're getting skinny . Why, you guys got into a fight?" It is hard when your friends are going out with their partners while you are just staying at home silently , not doing a thing .

For those who simply give their comments and non-helping advices , for your information , it isn't like I don't want to move on or I don't know how to move on . This isn't my first time experiencing a relationship and break-up . I know how to groove, I know how to tango . It's just that, I need some time . It isn't easy to fix something that already broken and re-gain your old life when you aren't fully ready . Time will do its job, no worries .

Don't criticize people . You aren't born to judge people . Each and everyone of us has our own life . And do you think by giving condemnation comments to people who is in heartbroken will be helpful ? Keep it to yourself as you aren't helping at all . Just admit it, you were in that person's shoes before, and you knew how did it feel. The pain and sorrow . If you are saying it, then it's okay, it's accepted . But if you are thinking to force people do the shoulds and shouldnt's, just stop at where you are standing now . Because you are about to across the limit . It's one's life ; you almost forget about it .

I admit, at times, when my friends share with me about their relationship problems, I give advices, like tonnes of advices . But after I've done giving all out, I will get back on the track : I will say "It's your life, I can only give you options but at the end of the day, you'll be the one who makes decision" This is the way I advise people . If you think your way is diferrent than mine, it's okay, you still can give your advices . But don't put any hopes that I will follow them .

Yes, move on . Easy spoken, hard to do . I admit it somehow, even I managed to get through several break-ups before , but I still need time to endure this problem. Time that I need is time in my way . Only me knows how it rolls . Yes, me . Some poeple take time to forget, some people take time to forgive . While my time is different, I take time to recover from pain, not to forget and forgive . But it doesn't mean I can't forget and forgive,Im not a revengeful person . No, I believe in qadha' and qadar ; I will get back things that I did on someone .

In a recovery process, memories play main role . Trust me, if you don't have enough strength, you will slowly let the memories conquer everything . But not all memories are bad . Sometimes, it can boost your life and bring you much closer to your dreams . Im a type of girl that never leave the memories behind, but never let them in my life again . Because I know my strength, I know my ability in handling this problem . Im weak . I cry and keep crying over things that will never come back . I get upset for things that I made it screwed . I condemn myself . I put myself at the bottom of the list and let my beloved to be on the top . But within the weakness , I still stay . I never give up . I never regret . And most important, I never hate . The word 'hatred' never exist in my life dictionary .

Because in my opinion, memories are great . They are the best teachers . They teach you, they give you lessons, they set you tests, they reward you . The marks go to you while the kudos go to them . The situation is same like when you are in a class . You hate your teacher, but you still need to learn the subject no matter how hard it could be . Eventhough it only lasts until the examination days, but while waiting the time comes, you will keep studying and learning.

For him . Just for your information, this is the worst break-up I ever had so far . Congratulation, you just break the record . Although this is your first time being in love, kudos to you for defeating a legend in this game . Hopefully you have learnt something from our previous relationship and try to make things better in your next one . Don't bother about me, I know what to do , what actions should be taken . I will move on eventually , like I said . Im a girl with her words , Im sure you know me better . That I don't break my promises . That I don't lie .

If you want to come back, you are welcomed with plessure . (Ok, people, stop saying Im hoping or desperate or whichever it turns . No, Im not) But one thing I would ask you before you enter my life again ; accept the new me . Whoever Im gonna be , you have to accept it . Im telling you earlier, just in case you are intented to leave me again, because you won't know what will I be , what will I have in that so-called 'new' me . Major reason why Im willing to give you this uncounted-times chance because I know you . Very well .

"You were right outside by your doorstep in a worn out suit and tie

i'll wait for you to come down

where you'll find me

where we'll shine"

The Band Horses - I like go to the barn because I like the

So long, goodbye .

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